And why many of us have lost the will to participate in this charade
By ‘spiritual’ I don’t mean religious. You can be as religious as the Pope and still not be spiritual, and you can be at the pick of your spiritual development and be as (in fact more) scientific in your endeavours of understanding the science of life as the top scientists in the world.
Before my NDE, I worked hard at becoming like the others, “normal”. Since the age of 3 I was aware of and experienced different levels of existence that were at conflict with our accepted variation of the truth about what life is and how it should be lived.
At the age of 5-6, in the rural mountain settings of a communist Romania, where electricity brought to the village was younger than me, where a black and white TV was a luxury for the rich members of the communist party, I was telling my neighbours about UFO crashes, I was talking with the snakes asking them to get out of my way as I was walking in the tall grass to not step on them or their babies to then cause them to bite me in self-defence… And I could not really identify with my earthly family, except a strange connection I felt with my grandmother.
I was, as you could tell “not normal”. But I didn’t know that at the time. I thought that everyone knew about “these things”. I could ‘see’ people’s intentions, thoughts and emotions, and I was a living lie detector that set me in fits of rage in front of lies and injustice.
Soon enough, as I started school, I learnt that I had to hide that part of me if I wanted to be accepted, to make friends and avoid being an outcast for life. I worked hard to close the doors of perception, to use Aldous Huxley’s very appropriate term, even if they kept opening, providing me with proofs of a different reality which I was not searching, nor was I interested in (spontaneous healing of a friend, for example, and many ‘weird’ experiences that saved my life more than once).
Since self-preservation is our primal drive, I managed to divorce myself from that ‘me’ and dedicated myself wholeheartedly to analysing and understanding human behaviour to then be able to ‘copy-paste’ it. To replicate it in my interactions with “the normal people”.
Lying and injustice were still my nemesis, so I embarked not on one, but on two law degrees to put at good use that energy threatening to consume me alive.
Long story short, I was soon disabused of my naïve belief that law was about truth or justice, and without an outlet for this all-consuming energy inside claiming its dues, I started to break down. “What was even the point anymore?!” If neither of my gifts were wanted – the gift of seeing behind the veil of this hypnotic ‘reality’ and the gift of seeing lies and fight for justice -, what was I here for? The “normal people” seemed unconcerned with these existential questions and could function in this upside-down world with no problem. In fact, the more oblivious they were, the more they seemed to thrive.
Unable to pretend anymore, my hard-earned “normal self” started to disintegrate. First a scare of breast cancer, then a diagnosis of depression and a bag of pills with more side effects described than the cure. I describe it all in my Conversations With Self book… Point is, it was again self-preservation that pushed me back to what I’ve been running from my entire life: my un-normality.
It was during the reading of the side effects of the antidepressants when I made the ultimate choice: Instead of taking my ‘happy pill’ to keep my semblance of a life together, I rather go through no matter what pains required to find the truth. The ultimate truth about the things I kept running since childhood.
From ending an abusive marriage to leaving law behind and moving from London to a remote French countryside resembling the countryside of my early childhood with my grandmother, I knew nothing else than that I wanted to offer my 5 years old daughter the same safe childhood as mine, in nature, surrounded by animals, with me being for her what my grandmother was for me: a safe haven that allowed me to just be.
Without realising, I was trying to recreate the conditions of the last place where I was for the last time ‘the real me’ and take it from there. Listen to what this force was trying to teach me without trying to shut it down this time.
The way ‘back Home’ was brutal. I had to die as many deaths of the counterfeited ‘me’ as I had become through earth-biting shame and social humiliation. Without knowing at the time, that was the initiation price of a true seeker. I had to lose it all to gain it all. The wife, the intellectual, the financially comfortable, the attractive, the loved, the desired, and the desirerer. Would I fold? Would I go back? Was my resolve to gain access to knowledge, to Self-knowledge strong enough?
The ultimate test was that of letting go of ‘the mother’, of my attachment to my 8-9 years old daughter as I was dying of one too many. Instinctively, I knew that I had to let go of her in my heart if I wanted her to have a healthy life after I’ve gone.
That was the most painful thing I have ever experienced and done. It also was the last test by fire of my initiation and the one that gained me access to Knowledge and Self.
Because of it, my NDE didn’t resume to the common seeing white tunnels, dead relatives or angels, as in the folklore of near-death experiences. I went all the way back Home, to nothingness, merging and becoming one with Source, with Self, from where I could see and feel the contradiction of being and not being.
Of course, human words cannot describe the experience, so I won’t try. But my journey to learning the truth, the ultimate truth, had just begun. After bathing in that Home energy, in that core Selfhood experience, I returned to this human life, but not as ‘me’, the one who had died, but as the part of Self that came here from the beginning.
Trying to reconcile the two realities then took another load of trials and tribulations, many years in solitude, many years of research and studies on all kinds of subjects, until I was ready to withstand the intensity of the downloads of consciousness from my Conversations with Self.
It’s all described in the CWS book, if you are interested to hear what Self has to say on the subject of consciousness, mind, life, and existence itself. But to drive the point back home, the reason we have such a pandemic of ‘mental illness’, of depression and suicidal tendencies, is the same reason I started to break down before I woke up.
I was shown, and since then I keep seeing, how human life was created, for what purpose, and how we’ve been deviated from our Self-exploratory journey by a rogue faction of beings created by no other than the first expression of Self. The one first emerged from Unmanifested to Manifested Self, when Self started its self-exploratory journey. What Gnostics called “the Demiurge” responsible for this material existence.
The human spirit was highjacked, trapped in this addictive material expression, subservient to the seen and unseen rules of this hypnotic world, stopped from continuing our Self-exploratory journey. Ultimately, stopped through the reincarnation cycle from ever returning back Home.
Truth, like life, like existence and like Self has many layers, many dimensions, but when circled back, it leads to the same core. Depression and all other mental conditions are caused by abuse and neglect, poverty, social injustice – which lead to trauma and more poverty, more injustice, more suffering, but ultimately, it is the same call back Home of that spark of the true Self, trying to wake us up from the trance of its Beloved Manifested Self (read the CWS book and you’ll understand).
The rise in mental health conditions and neurodiversity, on the material plane are due to the material factors described, to the pollution of our food and water leading to autism and other conditions. But that’s just half the story. If you ask any neurodivergent, they’ll tell you the same thing, albeit with some variations:
- That they never felt ‘Home’ since their arrival.
- That they struggled and struggle to fit in this upside-down world, but learnt, as I did, to fake normality in order to survive.
- That they crave a deeper meaning and connection, which they cannot achieve with the “normal people”. Hence their perceived lack of empathy and coldness. We do feel, too much in fact, and to self-preserve, we choose to shut down because the “normal people” could not follow us all the way and we’ll only be more excluded than we already are.
- That they are undiscovered geniuses, who by fear of ridicule of the higher science we have access to, prefer to play small but ‘safe’.
- That they are polymaths – good at many things and ever hungry to discover more – hence why we cannot be pinned down to one interest, one profession, one area of expertise, although we do choose one in the end – again, to self-preserve in this money-ruled world. And because we sever the rest, we are the ones suffering most from mental health conditions resistant to treatment and mainstream therapies.
- That they are highly creative, each in their area. Some express their creativity in arts, others in healing, maths, physics, and ‘hard science’. It’s all science in the end. The science of Self.
- That they are all masters at pattern-recognition and think faster than they could speak – hence many of us seem to blabber and are not polished public speakers, and why we could never be. Because we follow the Ariadne’s threads of our pattern recognition process, which to the linear left brain reductionist mind sounds gibberish.
- That they all suffer with multiple mental health conditions in silence and with the too often suicidal thoughts of “What’s the point” because we feel like fighting a losing battle of trying to make the blind see the rainbow.
The truth about our suffering is that we’ve been stopped since our arrival to Self-express and Self-discover, to be given the time and freedom to explore our human nature and abilities and choose our paths.
Our inborn attributes and thirst for knowledge and creativity have been suppressed by that rogue faction who guided us towards its chosen direction of humanity. Towards its chosen level of science – the one who builds machines, bombs, drugs for profit, not one who develops the collective human potential. Towards its chosen definition and meaning of Life.
We’ve been herded like cattle in crammed school classes, fed the same outdated theories, irrespective of our talents and needs to express what we’ve brought with us. Forced to fit one of the predetermined boxes within this pre-decided social structure to serve the interests of the few: from the ruling elites in their many forms – kings, high priests, dictators and corrupt politicians – to the industrialists and their medical science, to now the AI and Frankenfood techno-overlords. They all had the same agenda: eradicate that spark of the Unmanifested Self so that its counterpart will prove and gain supremacy over the direction Existence takes, away from its natural trajectory of returning Home eventually, into non-existence, into Nothingness and All at the same time, from where a new cycle would emerge. A new “Big Bang”.
We’ve reached the chronic point of endurance when we have no other choice than either vote with this madness to live and fight another day – which is only a mirage, because with the arrival of AI, neurolinks, microchips, and new drugs against emotional suffering shutting your emotional muscles and doors to perception off, your ability to connect to that real Self will be non-existent. Or to let go of our counterfeited selves, ready, like I was, to accept the higher truth. Either way we choose, there will be consequences. It’s up to each of you which consequences are you willing to pay.
But if this faction wins, if we allow the AI and billionaires technocrats to take over our world and continue their terraforming and transform us in microchipped zombies living in closed microcities unable to travel, controlled at every thought and move, I promise you that even death would not be able to save you, since once completed this human spirit takeover, whatever is left of your spirit would be trapped in an eternity of hell.
Gratiela Rosu – A spark of Self trying to remind you who you are.
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